Baby's First Vinyl-to-MP3 Conversion

January 19, 2006... After a three-year separation, I have been reunited with part of my record collection. And, with the assistance of the people who responded to my January 1 post, I have figured out how to convert the fuckers into mp3s, too. So, let's get this party started... (Warning: there will be guitars.)

Polkaholics were a Toronto-based band during the early-to-mid 1980s. A trio, comprised of Dick (guitar and vocals), Soon (bass and vocals) and David (drums), Polkaholics released a twelve-inch EP in 1983 and an LP about a year later.

The EP, entitled Polkaholics EP, starts innocuously enough. "Inside Our Hearts" is a pleasant-sounding, if mournful number with clanging guitar and a slide trombone. Sure, the lyrics are a little odd... "Inside the iron maiden/It's as cold as a refridgerator/Inside our hearts/(It) smells like a hospital." Overall though, (it) sounds like what would've passed for normal on college radio in 1983.

Next up is "The Garbage Song," which is a little further out there. It's jazzy in the way that Black Flag was "jazzy" at the time. It's funky in the way that the Minutemen were funky at the time. But the lyrics... The lyrics... The lyrics read like a note from one roomate to another: "You take out the garbage/I'll do the dishes/Wash the floor/I'll clean the toilet/O.K.?"

Then there's this song.

Polkaholics - Bottomless Pit of Love

"Bottomless Pit of Love" is retarded, near-tuneless slide guitar blooze with high-pitched, warbled vocals. It is quite unlike anything you have heard before--unless you've already heard this next song, that is.

Polkaholics - Syllables for Simple People

Okay, lemme explain what it is that you've just heard. In the choruses of "Syllables for Simple People," Polkaholics' masterwork, the two vocalists, Dick (low) and Soon (high) are trading off syllables. What sounds like "Syl do la you bles have for a sim can ple o peop pen ple er," because it is, is actually Dick singing "Syllables for simple people," one syllable at a time, while Soon does the same with the line "Do you have a can opener?"

Clearly, we are in the presence of genius.

The basic parameters of Polkaholism--disorienting music, disoriented lyrics--established, the band throws a curve ball near the end of the record. "Kill Yourself Now (Why Wait for the War?)" is David Bowie as a goth with a first-generation Coleco video game as his rhythm section.

Polkaholics - Kill Yourself Now (Why Wait for the War?)

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