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The Politics of PizzaDecember 3, 2006... I've come a long way from the days when hot dogs were my idea of haute cuisine. Nowadays, I eat and enjoy almost all the world's cuisines. Mexican, Afghani, Thai, you name it. I figure wat doesn't kill me, makes me stronger, even if it involves injera. Yea, though I have sampled widely from the buffet of the world, I still consider pizza to be the very pinnacle of yum. If there is a better thing to put in one's mouth than a freshly-baked piece of bread with tomato sauce, roasted whole cloves of garlic, spinach, feta and rubbery mozzarella, well, I ain't had it in mine. I eat a slice or a calzone at least once every week. And I'm lucky to live in a city where there are many joints that know how to bake a motherfucking pizza pie. Lucky, 'cause otherwise I'd be running out of options.
You see, with the passage of time, the number of pizzerias that I'm actually willing to patronize in the T-Dot is going down. It all started with the big boys. Not long after returning to The Big Smoke from The Town That Fun Forgot, I ordered a pie from the dominant chain in these parts, Pizza Pizza. I was too tired to go out for a slice, there was a menu handy, and anyway, I didn't really mind the sawdust-and-crud flavour of their pizzas. I duly placed my order, but did a double-take when they quoted the price. "Why is the price so much higher than the price listed on your menu?" I asked. "Well, there's a $2.75 delivery charge," they replied. Oh. A $2.75 delivery charge. "And does that $2.75 actually go to the person making the delivery?" I asked hopefully. (If the delivery charge goes to the delivery guy, I ain't got to tip, do I?) "The delivery charge goes to the location that prepared your pizza," they replied vaguely. I felt like I was in a "conversation" with an auto industry lobbyist. Them: "New cars account for only 1% of all the greenhouse gases emitted in Canada." Me: "Wait a second. What do you mean when you say new cars? Do you mean model year 2007 cars? Does your definition of cars include minivans, SUVs or Hummers? What exactly are you saying?" It's the same story with another big, regional chain, Pizza Nova. If you read the small print, you know they're gonna slap a $2.75 delivery charge on your sorry ass. If you don't read the small print, you'll find out about the $2.75 delivery charge after you've placed your order and prepared yourself mentally to be sated in 45 minutes or less. (The) fuckers know that if they've taken you that far, you're gonna go all the way. Once, maybe, but never again. You might think that by cutting the big boys out of the picture, I was doing myself a favour. I mean, any mom-and-pop shop is gonna make a better pie than a cold, impersonal conglomerate, right? Right! Thing is, though, the little guys can be a little shady, too. Take Amato, for example. Amato makes a good pizza. A little bitter and twisted, maybe, but good. And the genius who designed their Queen Street West location? Pure genius! (That) fucker vents right out onto the sidewalk, so it's pretty hard to walk by without feeling the urge to stop in. But there are a whole lot of former Amato employees out there who are less impressed. By this time last year, ten claims for wages owing had been filed against the company, nine of which the Ministry of Labour ordered Amato to pay... Then there's the joint that shall remain nameless for fear of reprisals. I've always kinda suspected they were shady. Like maybe they had a sideline as a fence for stolen property or something. I dunno. But the green peppers always seemed to taste so much better there than anywhere else... Then, a few months ago, I noticed a sign in the window advertising a traffic ticket defence operation. Yeah, I know the cops aren't always on the lawful side of the law. I know them shits pull people over sometimes for not being colour-coordinated with the car they're driving, or for wearing the "wrong" hat, or having the "wrong" facial hair, or whatever. I know that. But nine times out of ten, if you got a ticket for a driving infraction, it's because you fucked up. I know this because nine-hundred and ninety-nine out of every one thousand times I see a traffic infraction, ain't nobody gets a ticket: i.e. there's a lot of bad driving going on out there. Anyway, here's hoping that my remaining few regular pizza joints keep a low profile. Think Stephen Harper is greatest thing since ciabatta? Keep it to yourself if you want my money! ***** I couldn't really think of any songs about pizza other than "The Age of Pamparius," which I already posted here, so here are a few songs by Italians instead. Perhaps no other ethnic group in the world is as challenged, musically, as the Italians. This is the best they have to offer. Buon appetito. Dean Martin - That's AmoreLouis Prima - Beep! Beep!Sicilian Orchestra of A. Aiello - L'Allegro FischiettoJoe Dolce - Shaddup You FacePermadink | | |
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